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Integrity

Wonderful life lessons can come from anywhere. Sometimes they come from pretty strange places. My kids and I are watching Bates Motel, a TV series on Netflix. It is the story of how Norman Bates, the freaky murderer in the old movie Psycho, came to be how he was. Its pretty graphic at times, they throw in some humor and it can get really intense. I have a new favorite character in the show. His name is Chick and I hadn’t really liked him before. In the episode I am referring to, Norma Bates-one of the lead characters, had...

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The Lost is Found

The other day I decided to make another website. I was really excited about it. The night that I started the new one I wondered if I would work on this one any more. The next day I came to this site and in the process of creating the new site, something happened to this domain and suddenly it was totally inaccessible. It’s funny how people take things for granted that are there all of the time. Suddenly when this was gone I realized that it is still important to me. Yesterday I was working on the new website but in the back of my mind this one was calling me so this morning I called my hosting provider and they straightened it out. What was lost has been found. It’s sort of like health. We don’t appreciate it when we have it. It often takes a dramatic health crisis for people to appreciate the health that they have always had. Share...

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Celebrations

I was doing really well for a long time. I had been watching my diet and was really feeling better. I wasn’t eating flour, sugar, fried food, junk food and no preprepared food. Not only that but I didn’t use the holidays as an excuse to go crazy for a month. I had a nice Thanksgiving dinner and a nice Christmas dinner but even those were pretty healthy. Then on top of that I didn’t wait for the New Year to start exercising. I had been doing yoga for quite a few months. I added walking in after Christmas. I was doing good and feeling it. And then we celebrated New Years Eve. And my daughters 35th birthday. I always feel like if I don’t partake of all of the goodies that I will spoil other peoples fun. Or, that is what I tell myself. So for New Years Eve I had pizza and lava cakes, diet soda and rum… and a few cookies. I tell myself that these things don’t matter. It’s just one evening. Holy Cow. I was wrong. I am not sure if it is because I had been doing so much better, or if its because I am older and my body doesn’t tolerate things as well. Maybe it has nothing to do with my diet but that is sure a big coincidence that I...

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Breaking Stagnation

I can’t remember where I read this but I was reading about Sufi healing and, in their model, all illness is seen as coming from stagnation. I thought that was really interesting. As I thought about my life and my problems that made sense to me. I have had a lot of pain in my life. I started having back and knee issues as a teenager. By the time that I was 30 I needed a total knee replacement, had fibromyalgia and I was told I would need spinal surgery sometime in the future. Since I was so young,...

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Keepin it Real

With the thoughts of keepin it real here and showing the struggles I have been dealing with I figured I would post a reality check. Its fun and easy to post a photo that I think is a fairly good shot of me and that is just my face. Or its easy to post something where I am dancing with a lovely person and half of my body is hidden. Those are my best moments and of course, those are what we are all used to seeing, and what we all want to share of ourselves. There aren’t many...

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Second Sunrise

Today I saw my second sunrise of this week. Yesterday my son knocked on my bedroom door early in the morning and asked me to come see something. I had been reading and was taking my time and he held out his hand and said, “Come on, you are going to want to see this.” When I walked into our living room it seemed like it was glowing sort of pink and when I got to our patio doors I saw the loveliest sunrise. I thought about that off and on all day yesterday. Since yesterday was the winter...

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Loss

Death has always scared me. It wasn’t my own death that scared me but the thought of losing people I cared about. Now that I think about it, it wasn’t just death I had issues with. I hated goodbyes. When I was young and married to a military guy I didn’t deal well with it when he left and we didnt say goodbye. He would leave while I pretended to be asleep and kiss my cheek because he knew that I had such huge struggles with being alone. This was such an issue with me that I had actually told my mom that when she passed away that I wouldn’t go to her funeral. I imagined myself being one huge, hysterical mass that was unable to function. That stuff got a little  better as I got older and became a nurse. When I was mid 30s one of my favorite patients died. He and I had become close and he called me his angel and said I was like part of his family and I sort of felt the same about him. When he died I wasn’t sad and that scared me. I figured I was in denial or shock or something but it didn’t wear off. I ended up taking an entire weekend trying to sort this out. Was I out of tough with my feelings? Maybe I...

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Terrified

I have lived a lot of my life terrified. I was terrified when my parents divorced. Then more terrified, even though I didn’t know it at the time, when my sister went to live with my dad and I was living with my mom and was alone most of the time. I was terrified when I had my first baby and I was in a state where I didn’t know anyone and my military husband was gone all of the time. I was terrified when I got divorced. I was terrified when I was in nursing school that I wouldn’t be good enough to pass and wouldn’t be able to support my children. I was terrified a lot when I was a nurse realizing that repurcussions from a mistake could have life threatening consequences. I was terrified with the oklahoma bombing, columbine shooting, Feeney murders, the 3 women disappeared from Springfield… 9/11. I was terrified after my car accident and when I couldn’t work any more. I was terrified caring for my mom as she died and still scared as I supported my dad when he died. I was terrified when my son went to prison. Life can be shitty. I am not saying it’s not. I know that the terror that people are feeling right now is real. Damn, I worry about gay and transgender people. I worry about...

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Too Sensitive

For most of my life I was told I was too sensitive and I believed it. Because of this there were years that I fooled myself and others into believing that I was the toughest person around and in some ways that is true. I am great in a crisis. I am there when people need me and I have a task to perform. It was other times, when I was watching the horrors of the world and there was nothing that I can do that I felt immobilized. Watching others not notice or care broke my heart. I...

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It’s Not All a Walk In the Park

I had been working on a post for several days that was touting all of the benefits of my yoga practice. I have gotten emotional, physical and friend benefits from yoga (not THAT kind of friend benefits you silly goose!). I had been basking in the glow of success and achievement with this for a while now and then… there was yesterdays yoga class. Actually yesterday was the second one that was like this, and let me just say-it was no damn fun. Yesterday we were working on some warrior pose. I don’t know which one it was. I...

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Still Getting My Yoga On

I have a problem with consistency and follow-thru. I am really working on this but it has been an issue for a long time so I don’t expect it to go away easily. I bring this up because I realized that I have been doing yoga pretty consistently now for about 8 months or more. When I first thought about it I thought I was going on 4 or 5 months and even with that, I hadn’t been real consistent. It dawned on me though that I don’t have to be in a studio for it to count and...

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Remembering

When I was a child I loved Christmas. As I look back on it now I can see that I loved Christmas so much because that was a time of family and I didn’t usually feel like I had one. At Christmas we would go to my great-grandparents house and celebrate. It was a lovely time with lots and lots of people. I think one year there were 70 people that passed in and out of that smallish house. It was a big potluck with my Aunts Sophie and Louise making roast and a host of other food but...

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Releasing the Past

Time is a funny thing. Sometimes it moves so fast. Other times it feels like it is barely moving. Then there is the rare time that both things happen at once. Tomorrow it will be 10 years since my mother died. That seems pretty unbelievable to me. Part of me feels like it was just last week but at the same time, it feels like a lifetime ago. I did good taking care of her at the end. I don’t know how many times I heard people say “I don’t know how you are doing this”. It was later, after the funeral and taking care of her personal business that things became hard. Sad in no way describes what I felt. Neither does overwhelmed. There are no words for the state that I was in. And that lasted for years. It is ridiculous to admit but at 43 years old, I felt like an orphan. I have always been sensitive. Some people would say too sensitive. For years… I was affected. I know that some people will say that there should be no restrictions on the time limits of grief but when it totally overtakes you and overwhelms life… it should be addressed. Actually I did think about getting grief counseling but just the thought of that overwhelmed me so much that I couldn’t deal with it. Recently I...

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Healing with Yoga

For years I have struggled with physical and emotional pain. Anxiety, depression, ptsd, fibromyalgia, severe arthritis in my back and neck and chronic fatigue. I used to take a lot of medication for all of these conditions but I stopped doing that several years ago. I couldn’t tolerate the side effects very well and I didn’t like feeling emotionally numb. Being anxious and depressed isn’t fun either but, for me, it was preferable to feeling like I was an emotionless zombie. I have been working hard on changing myself and my life. I have worked on better diet habits, being...

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Stories

I have read that the stories that we tell ourselves are important and can make a difference in how we experience the world. I didn’t understand this. I figured that no matter now something was explained, that didn’t change the facts. I got a new understanding of this a few weeks ago. I went to a Dance of Universal Peace. It was a nice group of people and the dancing was fun. We got in a circle and held hands and sang and danced. It was sort of complicated at times and it was all I could do to...

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