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Second Sunrise

Today I saw my second sunrise of this week. Yesterday my son knocked on my bedroom door early in the morning and asked me to come see something. I had been reading and was taking my time and he held out his hand and said, “Come on, you are going to want to see this.” When I walked into our living room it seemed like it was glowing sort of pink and when I got to our patio doors I saw the loveliest sunrise. I thought about that off and on all day yesterday. Since yesterday was the winter...

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Loss

Death has always scared me. It wasn’t my own death that scared me but the thought of losing people I cared about. Now that I think about it, it wasn’t just death I had issues with. I hated goodbyes. When I was young and married to a military guy I didn’t deal well with it when he left and we didnt say goodbye. He would leave while I pretended to be asleep and kiss my cheek because he knew that I had such huge struggles with being alone. This was such an issue with me that I had actually told my mom that when she passed away that I wouldn’t go to her funeral. I imagined myself being one huge, hysterical mass that was unable to function. That stuff got a little ¬†better as I got older and became a nurse. When I was mid 30s one of my favorite patients died. He and I had become close and he called me his angel and said I was like part of his family and I sort of felt the same about him. When he died I wasn’t sad and that scared me. I figured I was in denial or shock or something but it didn’t wear off. I ended up taking an entire weekend trying to sort this out. Was I out of tough with my feelings? Maybe I...

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Terrified

I have lived a lot of my life terrified. I was terrified when my parents divorced. Then more terrified, even though I didn’t know it at the time, when my sister went to live with my dad and I was living with my mom and was alone most of the time. I was terrified when I had my first baby and I was in a state where I didn’t know anyone and my military husband was gone all of the time. I was terrified when I got divorced. I was terrified when I was in nursing school that I wouldn’t be good enough to pass and wouldn’t be able to support my children. I was terrified a lot when I was a nurse realizing that repurcussions from a mistake could have life threatening consequences. I was terrified with the oklahoma bombing, columbine shooting, Feeney murders, the 3 women disappeared from Springfield… 9/11. I was terrified after my car accident and when I couldn’t work any more. I was terrified caring for my mom as she died and still scared as I supported¬†my dad when he died. I was terrified when my son went to prison. Life can be shitty. I am not saying it’s not. I know that the terror that people are feeling right now is real. Damn, I worry about gay and transgender people. I worry about...

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Too Sensitive

For most of my life I was told I was too sensitive and I believed it. Because of this there were years that I fooled myself and others into believing that I was the toughest person around and in some ways that is true. I am great in a crisis. I am there when people need me and I have a task to perform. It was other times, when I was watching the horrors of the world and there was nothing that I can do that I felt immobilized. Watching others not notice or care broke my heart. I...

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It’s Not All a Walk In the Park

I had been working on a post for several days that was touting all of the benefits of my yoga practice. I have gotten emotional, physical and friend benefits from yoga (not THAT kind of friend benefits you silly goose!). I had been basking in the glow of success and achievement with this for a while now and then… there was yesterdays yoga class. Actually yesterday was the second one that was like this, and let me just say-it was no damn fun. Yesterday we were working on some warrior pose. I don’t know which one it was. I...

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