Fear

Its a strange thing. I spent a lot of my life thinking of myself as a badass. A mover and a shaker.

What I am coming to believe is that those things were a big cover for a lot of fear.

Once I realized I had so much fear then I notice it in a lot of places. This blog is one of them.

Its funny because I have one person that even knows about this blog but I hesitate to write for fear of what people will think.

How will I be judged.

Will people assume I am exaggerating or trying to get attention?

I worked for years of my life building up a wall-one that allowed me to think that I don’t give a shit what people think of me.

Yeah, sure.

Maybe that is why I have myself so isolated that I rarely leave my home or interact with others.

I suppose the exact opposite is true.

I care.

I care way too much.

So part of my plan is to be authentic here and to share.

I want to share progress and success but to keep it real I also have to share some of the harder things.

One of the things that scares me is if people that know me say

“That isn’t how things were”.

For example, my mom and I didn’t have a great relationship a lot of the time.

People that knew her have had a hard time believing how things were with us because they saw a totally different side of her.

I love my mom and am not trying to make people think bad of her.

Sometimes some of the more unpleasant things come up with exploring issues or ideas though.

My point is that I am sort of petrified in fear of a possible outcome from this and I don’t even have subscribers.

The chance that anyone that knows me or my mom seeing this is practically zero.

It makes me wonder how often my thoughts scare me in to inaction.

It’s time to be brave.