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Balance

I recently found yoga! It has been a wonderful discovery for me and has helped me in a lot of ways. It gives me something to do that calms my mind and hopefully will make my body stronger. It also allows me to be around other people. Besides the physical aspect, yoga brings in a spiritual dimension that really makes me happy. I have felt like I needed to do yoga for about a year but I resisted. I am sure that some of the resistance was because I am not used to being around people but part of it is because of my weight and awkwardness. Now that I mention that, I suppose the weight and awkwardness is part of why I stay away from people. The yoga class that I went to was taught by a woman older than me. She spent quite a bit of time making sure that I had the proper props and understood when to use them. She also told me not to try to keep up with others and just do what I needed to do. While the rest of the class was doing 108 downward dog/cobras I just did some cobras to start strengthening my body. I have been working on meditation for several years now. It has calmed my mind enough that I can usually fall asleep and that, for...

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Ukulele, yoga, and drum circles!

I had a pretty amazing week last week. First was Monday, the 4th of July and one of my favorite holidays. For years my health was so bad that I couldn’t enjoy holidays much. I had a friend that took my youngest son to fireworks shows each year and I sat here at home alone. It was sad. The past several years I have been doing better and we shot our own fireworks. There were a couple of years that it was just my son and then there was a year that my daughter was there too. This year...

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What’s the point of it all?

Do you often wonder,  “What’s the point of it all?” I sure have. I am not wondering that this morning. This week is off to a wonderful start and I have learned a couple of lessons. I struggled for years with holidays. I liked seeing people and spending time with others sometimes but I am not really a religious person and I am also not a very patriotic person. Saying that, I would classify myself as a really spiritual person and, while I am not patriotic in the sense that I view the USA as the greatest country ever-I...

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Summer Solstice

Ahhh, summer! How I love summer. I am not a big fan of heat or humidity but I do love the energy of summer.  I am working on trying to focus more on the season, the phases of the moon and the passage of time/cycles of nature. I have never been big on astrology but since we are part of nature then it seems to make sense to pay attention and understand these cycles that affect us. I used to think that I was a religious person but I realized that I am a lot more spiritual than religious....

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Terror

As someone who has suffered from anxiety and depression most of my life I understand that anxiety isn’t a really good description of what goes on. Terror more accurately fits what I feel sometimes. I bring this up because of the shooting that occurred in Florida last night. This takes me back to the years when my anxiety blossomed into full time terror. This world is a scary place. I think that it probably always has been and from the way it looks now-it will continue to be scary for a long time. I was raising young children when...

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Being a natural girl-AKA a dirty hippy

If you have read anything on my blog then you know I have some anxiety issues.  I have struggled with this for the longest time. I have taken a lot of medicine for this but I had decided to stop that and try to get more to the root cause of things. One of the things that helped me was learning to meditate. Another one was the decision to go “all natural”. As I said, anxiety has always been with me. Certain things made it worse. Trying to fix my hair would freak me out. I could become really obsessive about it. I have this really big cowlick right in the front on the right side that never would co-operate. I used to color my hair a lot. I never liked how straight it was and it just hanging there…. a lot of things caused me anxiety or unhappiness. The same thing with makeup. I have never been a huge makeup girl but I felt like I should be. I have a skin condition called rosacea that made me feel really self conscious. Rosacea causes your face to be really red and sensitive and often break out. I felt like I should try to cover the redness and hide the breakouts and that always stressed me out. On and on it went… worrying about razor stubble or body odor or whatever awful...

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To medicate or not medicate-THAT is the question

Over the years I have taken a lot of medicine. I have to take thyroid medicine for the rest of my life. I have taken a lot of pain medicine in my lifetime. Besides these medications I have taken quite a bit of psychiatric type medicine. It’s sort of overwhelming as I think back at all of the different medicines that I have taken. I have a lot of issues and that required a lot of medication. Depression, Anxiety, insomnia, ADD, arthritis so on and on the list goes. Finding the right medication can take a long time. Usually I was on a couple of antidepressants at a time because they sort of enhanced each other. I will say that there were really good things about them. I suppose in some ways I was happier. I left the house more. But it was weird. I didn’t feel like a real person. It was like a fake happy person all of the time and I was never comfortable like that. Even taking medicine I didn’t sleep well. And holy cow-the side effects totally kicked my ass. Weight gain, tremors, sexual side effects, dry mouth. When I say dry mouth, I don’t mean dry mouth like I had smoked a little pot or something. This was serious dry mouth. It was so bad it hurt and I couldn’t talk at times....

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Turning 50

Turning 50 was traumatic! Throughout the years I have had a lot of depression and anxiety. I have made more than my share of mistakes. When I turned 30 I got pretty depressed but then I had a nice party and I realized that 30 was just a number and it didn’t bother me after the day passed. Turning 40 didn’t bother me a bit. I thought I was past birthdays shaking me up. But when I was staring down 50 I didn’t deal so well. I was sad that I had wasted so much of my life. It...

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My Advice for a Young Person

My advice for a young person would be to slow down. Especially if you feel like you didn’t have the most supportive home life then you are probably looking for love, safety and belonging in all of the wrong places. I know that I was. Take time to know and learn to like yourself. I do believe that a lot of young people get to try things and explore new hobbies and ideas but a lot of people don’t get that opportunity. Once you are able, make sure to do that. There are a lot of things in life that can bring hours of pleasure and learning and they don’t cost a lot. Take time to think about what you really like rather than just going along with what others want just to make them happy. Do you like scary movies or prefer romance? Do you love classical music or are you more of a metal head? Does spirituality call to you and if it does then how does that express itself with you. Once you sort some of this stuff out make time for the things that you love. Don’t let them fall by the wayside. Find people that you care about and respect and build a support network. If you were raised in a dysfunctional home chances are you have experienced a lot of isolation. While that...

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Sharing the Love, Hope and Inspiration

I started this blog a few months ago with the goal of sharing love, hope and inspiration but I didn’t know where to start. I recently was invited to a writers group and I think that this may help give me a bit of direction and I am excited about that. This particular group allows members to post 3 times a week and then we look at each others posts and comment and the goal is-to share love, hope and inspiration! This seems like a perfect fit to me. I am new to the group and haven’t yet read other peoples posts so I hope that I fit in there. Sometimes when people are trying to share hope and inspiration people talk all about the good things in life and that is great. In the past when I was going through some hard times though, seeing other peoples happy, hopeful posts would frustrate me because my life was in such a crappy place. To share some of my hope and inspiration today, I would like to introduce myself and some of the things that I have gone through. My name is Sabra and I am 53. I got married young, had babies young and didn’t have family or friends for support. I was from a dysfunctional family and had never cared for children before so the entire thing was...

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Facing Fear

Fear Its a strange thing. I spent a lot of my life thinking of myself as a badass. A mover and a shaker. What I am coming to believe is that those things were a big cover for a lot of fear. Once I realized I had so much fear then I notice it in a lot of places. This blog is one of them. Its funny because I have one person that even knows about this blog but I hesitate to write for fear of what people will think. How will I be judged. Will people assume I am exaggerating or trying to get attention? I worked for years of my life building up a wall-one that allowed me to think that I don’t give a shit what people think of me. Yeah, sure. Maybe that is why I have myself so isolated that I rarely leave my home or interact with others. I suppose the exact opposite is true. I care. I care way too much. So part of my plan is to be authentic here and to share. I want to share progress and success but to keep it real I also have to share some of the harder things. One of the things that scares me is if people that know me say “That isn’t how things were”. For example, my mom and I didn’t...

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