Time is a funny thing. Sometimes it moves so fast. Other times it feels like it is barely moving. Then there is the rare time that both things happen at once. Tomorrow it will be 10 years since my mother died. That seems pretty unbelievable to me. Part of me feels like it was just last week but at the same time, it feels like a lifetime ago.
I did good taking care of her at the end. I don’t know how many times I heard people say “I don’t know how you are doing this”. It was later, after the funeral and taking care of her personal business that things became hard. Sad in no way describes what I felt. Neither does overwhelmed. There are no words for the state that I was in. And that lasted for years.
It is ridiculous to admit but at 43 years old, I felt like an orphan. I have always been sensitive. Some people would say too sensitive. For years… I was affected. I know that some people will say that there should be no restrictions on the time limits of grief but when it totally overtakes you and overwhelms life… it should be addressed. Actually I did think about getting grief counseling but just the thought of that overwhelmed me so much that I couldn’t deal with it.
Recently I did start counseling. Its weird. Life is better. I am handling things better, I am getting out of the house more-this seems like an odd time to go get counseling. But a person can’t do what we aren’t ready to do. I have been 3 times I think. I am very lucky and have a counselor that makes me feel seen and understood. At the last visit she suggested we do some energy work. I wish I had that visit recorded because it was beautiful and there is no way I can express what happened.
There was a lot involved but what I want to share now is a meditation type thing that she took me through where she had me release my mom. I let her go to do what she needed to do now… and to allow me to move on too. Had I known that this was going to happen I think I would have been upset or terrified for some reason but since I didn’t know, it was ok. It wasn’t sad or overwhelming. My counselors voice was quiet and soothing and I knew I wasn’t alone and she told me that it was time for me to be a mother to myself.
It has taken 10 years but I am handling things better. There is a time to let go. I remember telling my mom… its ok to let go. It was time that I told myself that. I am glad I had help with that. I didn’t actually realize it was time, or that it needed to happen.
After that session with my counselor I signed up for a class I had wanted to take for years. A good mother provides good things for her child. I am following my counselors advice and mothering myself. My mom would be proud.