I started this blog a few months ago with the goal of sharing love, hope and inspiration but I didn’t know where to start. I recently was invited to a writers group and I think that this may help give me a bit of direction and I am excited about that.
This particular group allows members to post 3 times a week and then we look at each others posts and comment and the goal is-to share love, hope and inspiration! This seems like a perfect fit to me. I am new to the group and haven’t yet read other peoples posts so I hope that I fit in there.
Sometimes when people are trying to share hope and inspiration people talk all about the good things in life and that is great. In the past when I was going through some hard times though, seeing other peoples happy, hopeful posts would frustrate me because my life was in such a crappy place.
To share some of my hope and inspiration today, I would like to introduce myself and some of the things that I have gone through. My name is Sabra and I am 53. I got married young, had babies young and didn’t have family or friends for support. I was from a dysfunctional family and had never cared for children before so the entire thing was overwhelming to me. I ended up getting divorced and when my ex-husband remarried I thought that my children would be better off with their dad since he had a good job and a wife that didn’t have to work.
Life was filled with drama. Drinking, an unplanned pregnancy, one of my children coming back from living with my ex-husband-but he took off out of state with the other one. I started unraveling. I always had a problem with depression. Around this time, anxiety set in. So did some memory problems. I suppose it would be fair to say I had a nervous breakdown. Over time, I tracked my son down-went to court, had home studies done and eventually got all my children back.
I had started nursing school and met a guy that seemed nice and was nice to my kids. At the time I thought I was lucky that anyone would even talk to me let alone want to date me or help me raise my kids. Things moved fast and he asked me to marry him and I was grateful. He was controlling, jealous and would become angry when I would enjoy time with my children or mom. I wasn’t allowed friends. We ended up divorced and again-I was pregnant. I knew we couldn’t stay married but I wanted him to be part of our babys’ life. That never happened. If he couldn’t be a regular, everyday part of our lives, he couldn’t deal with it at all. So again-I was alone, raising my children.
Soon after the baby was born, my oldest son decided to go live with his dad. A couple of years later the next son wanted to go live with his dad too. To be honest I didn’t blame them. I felt like I had totally screwed up my life and sure hadn’t done them any favors but my heart was broken. Money was tight, guilt was heavy and horrible. Then when my youngest son was 4 I had a car accident. I totaled a car, couldn’t work and ended up on disability.
This rolling shit-storm of a life continued degrading.
For a long time we thought I had a head injury from my accident. My memory was awful. I couldn’t finish a complete sentence for a long time. I could watch a movie and have no idea what I had just seen and I couldn’t even read a book. Depression and anxiety ruled my life. I took care of both of my parents at the end of their lives which sure didn’t do anything to reduce stress.
Its sad and I am ashamed to say-I had more than my share of suicidal thoughts. The only thing that saved me from that was I couldn’t leave my children with the guilt of that. Other issues-eating disorders… feeling like a failure. So many things. I stopped dating because I saw that I was a disaster at that. I couldn’t work. All I could see was my children growing up and leaving at at the time-and me being totally alone.
And then… my 50th birthday came roaring into my life. Holy cow I was terrified. My good years gone. Beauty and youth gone. I cried all of the time. For months I cried. It makes me sad that my children had to watch me go through all of this… but they did and they helped. My 50th birthday came and went and things got better. I had a few years where there was no disaster in my life. My memory started improving.
My depression started lifting. Over the years I learned about meditation and I had worked on that. I started eating better. I think that I didn’t have a brain injury. The mind can only handle so much and I think mine just sort of shut down. Is life perfect now? Oh heck no. I am still on disability, extremely overweight, I have a son that is in prison.
But does life seem hopeful? Yes. Do I think that I have anything positive to bring to this world? Yes I do. I think it might start here in this blog.
This blog is for the people that feel like their mistakes are all that people will be able to see about them. It is for the scared, tender people that live with all-consuming shame. We can over come this. Sharing love, hope and inspiration is how.
Welcome to my blog.