Turning 50 was traumatic!
Throughout the years I have had a lot of depression and anxiety. I have made more than my share of mistakes.
When I turned 30 I got pretty depressed but then I had a nice party and I realized that 30 was just a number and it didn’t bother me after the day passed. Turning 40 didn’t bother me a bit. I thought I was past birthdays shaking me up.
But when I was staring down 50 I didn’t deal so well. I was sad that I had wasted so much of my life. It seemed like the sexy days of youth, beauty and attention from men were gone. My kids were grown and there were so many things I wished I had done differently.
I am coming to realize though that so much of life is mindset. As my birthday drew closer I heard a song that really called to me. Its pretty obnoxious so if you are offended by language, sexual things or people being immature and crude-skip this video. The song “And we Danced” by Macklemore and Lewis was a beacon to me. It reminded me that there was fun and joy still to be had in life. It was mainly the first verse of the song that got me.
And we danced, and we cried
And we laughed and had a really really really good time
Take my hand, let’s have a blast
And remember this moment for the rest of our lives.
That was what I wanted. That was one of the things that I felt like I had missed out on so much of my life. I wanted fun. I wanted friends… and I wanted to have a really, really good time, that someday I could look back on and know-I lived. I had fun. I had a really really good time. I forgot how awesome that entire song was. Here is another part that I loved.
I am not, I am not going to stand on the wall
I will dance, I will dance, I will break that ass off
And I see you in the corner, corner looking so small
Doing the robot like if I die tonight at least I went hard
I will not, I will not give a damn who watches me
I will live, I will live liberate the fox in me
I will be the disco ball, freak and give my all.
That song became my anthem. It was one of the things that got me through the hard times leading up to 50. I had decided that I wanted to keep that song as a reminder to really live life. Get out there and do things. Dance and break my ass off. Not stay in the corner feeling small and forgotten. I will live and not care who watches me. Damn that was good stuff. And to be honest-I had almost forgotten the zeal with which I intended to live. This weekend my kids are camping. I feel fun calling. I need to find an adventure.
Here is the video. It takes a while to get into the actual song but the ridiculosity that leads up to it is pretty awesome too. OMG the gold, glitter jumpsuit. How I wish I could pull THAT off!